Monday, April 12, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
We're in the New Yorker
The New Yorker magazine sent a writer down to Spring Training, who ended up writing about Mark. I am mentioned, too!
The New Yorker article
The New Yorker article
Monday, April 5, 2010
In which I compare tutoring to a baseball team
I supervise a tutoring program that is part of a larger program, which has recently been called on the carpet by the state for poor reporting. In an effort to crystallize the problem, I present my extended metaphor for our reporting methods.
We have the best baseball team in the Majors. We've got an All-Star team that is going to win the World Series.
How do you know your team is any good?
Well, we spent a TON of money on player salaries and the players really like playing baseball. Plus, our fans say that they like the team.
What's your record?
Record for what?
Games you've won--what's the team's won-loss record?
Oh, I don't know. We don't keep score. That's not important. But, it's a really great team--very successful.
Well, what's your standing? How does the team rank against other teams?
We don't. We don't keep track of those kind of things.
You don't? Then how do you know it's a good team?
We just do! Baseball is a good game. That means that we must have a good team. People come to games. We have a lot of tickets for sale, so a LOT of people can come see us. Just come see the team, and you'll know they're good.
But you don't have any records.
Why would we need records when we already know we're good? That would just be a waste of time. We couldn't play baseball if we spent all of our time keeping records. What kind of stupid operation do you expect us to run here?
We have the best baseball team in the Majors. We've got an All-Star team that is going to win the World Series.
How do you know your team is any good?
Well, we spent a TON of money on player salaries and the players really like playing baseball. Plus, our fans say that they like the team.
What's your record?
Record for what?
Games you've won--what's the team's won-loss record?
Oh, I don't know. We don't keep score. That's not important. But, it's a really great team--very successful.
Well, what's your standing? How does the team rank against other teams?
We don't. We don't keep track of those kind of things.
You don't? Then how do you know it's a good team?
We just do! Baseball is a good game. That means that we must have a good team. People come to games. We have a lot of tickets for sale, so a LOT of people can come see us. Just come see the team, and you'll know they're good.
But you don't have any records.
Why would we need records when we already know we're good? That would just be a waste of time. We couldn't play baseball if we spent all of our time keeping records. What kind of stupid operation do you expect us to run here?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
A Few Good Men, starring Roger Clemens
An oldie, but a goodie
Clemens: You want answers?
Congressman: I think I'm entitled to them.
Clemens: You want answers?
Congressman: I want the truth!
Clemens: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has baseballs. And those balls have to be hit by men with bats. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Congressman? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for steroids and you curse HGH. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that HGH, while illegal, probably sells tickets. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, sells tickets...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that mound. You need me on that mound. We use words like fastball,slider, split finger...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent playing a sport. You use 'em as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and falls asleep to the Sportscenter clips I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat and dig in. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!
Congressman: Did you order the HGH?
Clemens: I did the job you sent me to do.
Congressman: Did you order the HGH?
Clemens: You're godamn right I did!!
Clemens: You want answers?
Congressman: I think I'm entitled to them.
Clemens: You want answers?
Congressman: I want the truth!
Clemens: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has baseballs. And those balls have to be hit by men with bats. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Congressman? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for steroids and you curse HGH. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that HGH, while illegal, probably sells tickets. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, sells tickets...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that mound. You need me on that mound. We use words like fastball,slider, split finger...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent playing a sport. You use 'em as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and falls asleep to the Sportscenter clips I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat and dig in. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!
Congressman: Did you order the HGH?
Clemens: I did the job you sent me to do.
Congressman: Did you order the HGH?
Clemens: You're godamn right I did!!
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